Beyond the Visible Spectrum

I am no longer sad. The truth has been revealed, and honestly, I think it is all I could have asked for.

I have the best friends in the world, and I love you guys.

seek the rational, embrace the truthful.

We all have so much to look forward to. I’ve realized lately I’ve been on the wrong path. I’ve been selfish and hurtful, only conscious of myself. I’ve realized I don’t have to beat myself up over things anymore. These things are out of my control, and in the past for a reason.

I once got a fortune cookie that said Teach only love, for that is what you are. And yeah, I mean. It’s a silly fortune cookie. But it is true. And as cliche as it is, I’ve realized, I would truly rather be disliked for who I am, than loved for who I am not, because ultimately, that is not myself. And it would be a hollow life.

I’ll always try to do my best to be a good person, and I’ve realized it’s okay to make mistakes. I’ve always been my hardest critic, but I know with some things and some events, I have no control. Thus is life.

We all have a chance at life.

Everyday to me seems like a leap of faith. When I think of what’s to come, reflect on what’s already taken places. We’ve been people we’ve met along the way, you’ve shown me more than I could imagine or dream.

I’ve decided I’m going to start keeping track of how many days I can go without having some sort of anxious feeling. Maybe it will distract my mind from what’s made me feel these anxieties and in time it will stop.

In other news, Happy Father’s Day.

I miss you. Hopefully one day my questions will be answered.

i’d give anything to start again.

One year later.

I finally have my life back. Today is truly one of the best days that I’ve had in a very long time, in terms of self-accomplishment.

Did I ever really know you? Are you knowingly hypocritical, or does an ignorant heart lead to consistently hurting the people who are unconditionally there for you? Am I the fool with blood on my hands because I never bothered to know what was really going on?

We’re all burning in the sky tonight. I never knew and am now paying the price. Unknowing and unwitting, I wish I could do something. Maybe one day this can all be forgotten, and we’ll return to the things we’ve grown to love. It just escapes me how you can treat somebody so caring and compassionate, so harshly, your words and gestures with sharp edges.

Ultimately, this is your sinking, and your loss, but I can’t help but think of how things could turn if I could get you to see the error of your behavior. There wouldn’t have to be any loss at all, from any three of us.

Yes, we are all flawed. I’m very aware that I am, myself, but if there’s one thing that I have gained is the realization that my best friends are truly the purest treasure and love in my life. Manipulation is an ugly beast, and the inability to come to terms with the past by holding a self-righteous attitude, will be a disability towards you and your self-esteem. It already is.  Just let go and realize you’ve been aiming the blame in the wrong direction. Grow on, grow up, grow out.

so here’s my advice to you, this should have turned out different, but it didn’t, so get over it. but don’t you find it reassuring, that one consolation growing? my darling boy, it won’t snow where she is going.

So, I’ve realized I post significantly less whenever I’m on the desktop computer at night. I love my mac, and it’s insanely convenient…whenever the wifi is working.

Anyways, guess who has a job interview!

I do.

For the first time in my life I actually have a full fledged job interview, not some over the phone shindig. I’m pretty excited. My nerves haven’t kicked in yet, and hopefully they won’t. If I can stay in pro-active, excitement mode, I won’t think about it too much and botch things up for myself.

Today, I also got a haircut. Stoked. Been needing one for a while.

Anyways. I’ve realized, it’s also a lot more convenient to upload things from my mac, onto my tumblr. All of my stuff’s on it. This computer? Not so much.

Next blog is going to be a big one.

i was saved by grace but destroyed by naivity, and i lied to myself, and said it was for the best.

I’ve realized I take a lot of things way too seriously. Probably a lot of the reason for the anxieties I do have with my life. I had a really long ramble/serious post on here yesterday, and I was thinking about my facebook and about how I always just seem tense. It’s time to relax for once. I know I have a lot to do, but I can do those things without being so anxious. It’s time to live.

Overall, I’ve been thinking, a lot. I’m a very personable person. I like forming personal bonds with people, and keeping them, because I enjoy having deep and meaningful relationships with my friends. And my best friends are such for a reason. Because I know I can trust them with this.

But I’m realizing just how much people change. And just how often people put up this filter. And I’ve realized, despite a lot of things that I’ve been through, and done, I’m still myself. I’ve grown with experience and adapted, but I am still Rachel Vandiver. I don’t pretend to be somebody I’m not. I’m awkward, and I’m goofy. I don’t know how to change it, nor do I want to because it’s part of who I am, and even though I’ve made mistakes, overall, I enjoy being myself.

this is not the way you were meant to be, and this is not a moment of clarity.

I’ve realized what one of my major problems is.
I only have a problem confiding in people because I don’t want to bother them with my problems. As a friend I’ve always been a listener. A shoulder to cry on. And honestly, I’m content with that.

When it comes to my own problems, however, I find it difficult to speak up. At least about my underlying problems. I might rant about something that irks me but it takes a lot to reveal something that is truly bothering me. Which I don’t really like. Because if something’s bothering me, I try to figure out why, and try to resolve it.

It’s not that I don’t like listening to my friends and being a help, because I do. But it’s whenever people complain about benign problems but will do nothing to change them. Even after countless tips and consoling advice from me.

Because if that’s one thing I’ve realized, if one has a problem, one must do waht they can or do their best to solve that problem, because nobody else will. It’s not that nobody else wants to, but it’s because nobody else can.

I don’t mean that in a cynical way. But it’s difficult, as I’ve learned, to solve somebody else’s problems for them. And I could never expect anybody to try to solve anything that bothers me.

My point is, if you sit there and do nothing, the world will keep moving as it always does. Moments pass, and nothing will resolve. Despite how much we’d like to believe it, nobody’s going to sit there and hold our hand. Nobody can fix our problems for us.

And I think that realization is what holds me back from speaking up. Because I know that, ultimately, everything is in my own hands. My life is not so dependent on the actions of others, but rather, my own.

We all have a choice. Pain is hurtful, yes. But not everlasting. We can pick ourselves up, with support of others. But ultimately we have to find the strength within ourselves to grow and move on.